Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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