There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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