i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
