fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
