I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
