can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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