if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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