Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
