I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
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You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
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I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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