Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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