Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
