I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize