you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
