there was a trapeze. enough said
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
