Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
