I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
