Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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