If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
