aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
