Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
