i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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