I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
