so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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