I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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