Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
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the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
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Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?