A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
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