Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
