Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
