Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
