We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
