What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
