pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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