YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
