apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
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Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
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Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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