I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
