he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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