It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
