i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
