Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
