FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
