she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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