My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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