you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
