I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
