When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize