I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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