Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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