Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
