my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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