Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
