You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
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What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
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I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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