My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
