Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
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He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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