trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
